


convalescence (one step at a time)

by o_shit_waddup



Category: Teletubbies (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Body Dysphoria, Cigarettes, Depression, Drug Dealing, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Gang Violence, Gen, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Nonbinary Po, Physical Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recreational Drug Use, Regret, Satire, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, sin - Freeform, so many tags omg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-29 00:19:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7662823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o_shit_waddup/pseuds/o_shit_waddup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"are you okay?"</p><p>"define 'okay', and i'll tell you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the road to... something

**Author's Note:**

> i regret writing this

"starting today, I declare myself as an official homosexual." tinky winky took a drag out of his cigarette, flashing a cheesy grin to the rest of the group.

"we know, genius," dipsy sighed, glancing at the floor. "why do you think those fuckers in junior high called you 'twinky winky'? its cuz your the gayest person we know."

"shut the fuck up you gay ass twat," tinky winky shook his head, blowing smoke rings in the air of the stale dorm room. "we're both lovingly, irrevocably, gay for each other."

"can y'all stop flirting with each other for a second so po can say something?" lala remarked, playing with dipsy's mohawk. the room quickly got silent.

"you didn't need to interrupt them lala," po mumbled, furiously blushing. "but, um, where are we going after we finish fucking around in this room? whose room is this?? why are we in here??"

tinky winky rolled his eyes, exasperatingly sighing as he put out his cigarette on dipsy's arm. "jesus christ, po, do you ever listen?" po hung their head low. "i told you that were in baby sun's room. hes letting us stay in here until he comes back from fucking up noo noo for jacking the tubby custard supply."

"oh."

"anyway," lala started to braid dipsy's hair. "dipsy, how's your mother doing?"

"she's doing bad," the boy rubbed at the new burn on his arm, thinking about the countless of other burns on his body from tinky winky's cigarette addiction. "eating too much tubby toast. she tells me 'son, don't eat the tubby toast' but binges on it, washes it down with a glass of white wine and washes it back up 30 seconds later. its getting kind of concerning-"

"boohoo, that sucks," tinky winky interrupted him. "hope she gets better. my mother is doing absolutely marvelous! she went geocaching and found 2000 dollars, managed to pay for her golfing trip, and right now shes on an exclusive trip to the bahamas. i begged her and begged her to go but she told me to stay here and study with y'all, so that's why i'm still here. hey, by the way, did you hear about what happened to my dad? he's in the hospital right now, so i'm really stressed out about that. by the way-"

dipsy started to tune his boyfriend out as he rambled on and on about his family members and their problems and himself and his problems. he was sick of tinky winky and his antics, but they were boyfriends, and boyfriends are supposed to love and support each other until they get married and adopt children, and then they will retire together and love each other until death. but... did tinky winky love him? did he even care about him?

a sudden pull on his arm jolted dipsy out of his thoughts. he looked up at his boyfriend, who had a mellow look on his face.

"smoke break," tinky winky mumbled, mind clearly on other things.

dipsy stood, and followed him out of the room.

linebreak

the moment the two left, tinky winky pushed dipsy up against the wall, straddling him. dipsy thought of the countless of other times the other man has done this, leaving the room to please his own sexual desires.

tinky winky licked dipsy's neck, softly sucking on the sweet spot of his neck. dipsy fought back a moan. if they were in private, however...

the two did this for 2 minutes, lips locking and tongues tying together. tinky winky eventually pulled away from dipsy with a soft smile, locking eyes with his boyfriend as he pressed their foreheads together.

"i love you, dip." tinky winky whispered.

"love you too." dipsy murmured, wondering if his own words were true.

"hey, are you okay? you seemed a little wound up in there. is your mother bugging you again?" tinky winky seemed genuinely concerned.

"i'm fine," he backed away from tinky winky, brushing his hair back with his fingers. "just a bit of anxiety 'cuz of my mom. it'll be fine."

tinky winky seemed to accept that answer as truth, softly smiling with a gleam of mischief in his eyes. "lets get the other fuckers and leave. baby sun is coming back in 12 minutes and he only said i could bring you in there."

dipsy nodded as tinky winky reentered the room.

"yo, we gots to bounce," dipsy heard tinky winky say. "baby sun's coming back soon and he'll fuck y'all up if he finds you in here."

"okay," he heard lala sigh. "where are we going after this?"

"how about the field?" po remarked. "its open, quiet, and no one can fuck with us there."

"at least you have a good idea for once, ho," the sound of tinky winky's lighter alerted dipsy. "let's go."

the 3 left the room, po in tow, a freshly lit cigarette at tinky winky's mouth corner. "we're going to the field, dip, and you gotta come this time, so don't even try to bullshit outta this like you did last time. do you want what you got last time? yes? try that shit on me again."

dipsy remembered what he got last time. he tried to get out of going with the group to the park for a "fun day". tinky winky screamed at him for 'being a pussy' and 'ruining the fun'. the two went back and forth, and the entire group ended up staying where they were and pranked people for an hour. when lala and po left to their own devices, tinky winky beat the shit outta him and said it was boxing practice.

tinky winky left him on the floor. the next day, when dipsy went to his classes full of bruises and a split lip, everyone thought he got into a fight and he earned the nickname "bruiser".

"okay," dipsy winced in pain as tinky winky used his collarbones as an ashtray. "i'll come."

"good."


	2. step 2: write a tellietubbies fanfiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tubby custard is a drug now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why i wrote this tbh im just regretting my entire life now

lala sighed, staring at the large, blue tub of tubby custard on her bedside table. it was tuesday again, and every tuesday, she got a supply of the pink substance to sell, but lala knew what she needed to do.

she picked up the tub, screwed the top open, and took in a deep breath. the fumes from it already made her feel alive.

she poured it into the small bowl on the stand, careful to not spill any of it. grabbing the syringe next to her clock, she pulled it in, making sure it was full to the top.

'i shouldn't be doing this,' she thought. 'i shouldn't, but i have to. i need to.' 

the needle plunged into her forearm. '3...2...1...'

your name is lauren najila lacroix and your life just burst into a million different colours, sensations, visions, swirls, knocks on your dorm door, sounds, smells, light-

"lala?" sound came from a 4 foot, 5 foot, 6 foot creature, presumably calling your nickname. "jesus, lala, what're you doing?"

you ignore them, focusing on the swirls, the colours, the black creature that is attacking you, laugh.

you're slapped. mint, bubblegum, red swirls, sensation?

feeling... living... are you alive? are you tired? am i breathing?

"lala, are you in there?" the black creature speaks in japanese. "dipsy's been looking for you, and tinky winky... well, he doesn't care but god damn it i care. i care and whatever your doing, you need to stop."

the black creatures voice cracks. "i don't want you to die, lala. please."

you... you laugh, cry, smile, frown, anger, happiness, anxiety, stop.

your name is lala and you come back to reality.

"mmmmmmmmm" is the only thing lala could think of saying as she fell over onto her floor. 

po lifted her up by her armpits, laying her down on her bed. they sighed, then walked over to lala's bookcase.

lala watched them pick out 'how to deal with addiction'. 

"don't..." lala giggled. "don't touch my, my, uh..."

"stop trying to talk. you're experiencing brain fog." po shook their head. "how often do you do this? do the others know?"

lala laughed. do the others know? would they care if she told them? why would they care? 

"tuesdays..." she slurred, waving her hand infront of her face. the effect of the tubby custard was still affecting her, so her hand was a green circle. lala liked circles. circles were the perfect geometric shape.

"jesus, lala..." po put the book into a bag on their shoulder. "you know this is bad for you, right? just because you're legally an adult now, using drugs is still illegal. tubby custard isn't legalized in this country yet."

"i know..." lala thought the fan on her ceiling was hilarious, so she laughed. "did you... do you... vodka..."

"i don't drink," po mumbled. "you know this."

lala knew this very well. when they were in high school, po was very clear about the whole "i don't drink and i never want to" thing. when they had sleepovers, dipsy brought a bottle of red rum with him because tinky winky peer pressured him to, and when the group was 5 shots in, po refused to drink. because of this, po was the designated driver whenever they went to parties.

po sighed. they walked over to lala, then threw her over their shoulder.

"where..." lala mumbled.

"memeville, tennesee."

lala didn't know what 'tennesee' was, but she laughed anyway.


	3. step 3: have crippling depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> po suffers, too. (massive trigger warning for rape and self harm in this, also body dysphoria. stay safe)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im here, im queer and im ready for death

So you told your mother that you're pan. Good job, Po. She'll never love you.

Good job, Po. You decided to kiss that cute boy under the tree, and now all of your classmates hate you.

You cut yourself again? Boo hoo, you slut. Get over it.

Oh no, you're crying? Boo hoo.

Oh no, you're dying?

Po, wake up.

* * *

 so po gets up from their bed, rubs the bleeding wound on their breast, and thinks to themself, "why am i still alive?"

and they pass by their closet and grab some shower equipment,

going to their bathroom and crying in the mirror because their body can't be androgynous.

so po decides to shower, wash the femininity from their body and brush their teeth and comb their hair because they can't stand to look at themself in the mirror again,

and they leave the shower and go back into their room, choosing out the same monotonous outfit of a red sweater and black leggings because it makes them look less feminine

and they leave their room with a small red yoyo because it distracts them from their thoughts and they can focus on swinging the yoyo and not on their femininity

and as they sit in the "gender neutral" bathroom, adding more wounds to their chest, po wants to die.

* * *

 So you told Lala that you wanted to die today. Good job. It's not like she has her own fucking problems or anything.

So you looked Dipsy in the eye today. Good job, Po. You know for a fact that Tinky Winky is abusing him, but you don't do anything about it.

Tinky Winky called you "she" again? Boo hoo, you slut. Get over it.

Oh no, you're crying in a bathroom stall again? Boo hoo.

Oh no, you're dying on the inside again?

Po, grow up.

* * *

 so po leaves their friends to "go get some tacos" but the condescending look on lala's face reassures them that at least someone knows where they're going.

they stagger into the local pub and ask the bartender for a drink, and the man obliges because that's his job, right?

and po downs 6 vodka's and pays the man 30 dollars, stumbling into the alleyway and vomiting into a half eaten bag of lay's, and as they double over in imagined pain, a man,

about 32, taps them on the shoulder with a stack of 20's and asks them if they need the money.

po **_needs_** the money.

so po lets the man do whatever he wants to them, taking them into the back of his toyota camry and tearing off their clothes, whispering words of encouragement as po tries their best to not vomit over and over again, the man uses them like a child would play with a new christmas present. the man eventually releases them and puts the money in the pocket of po's sweater and dumps them on the street, driving off to wherever he needs.

the taste of cheap beer on po's tongue lingered as they curled themself up into a tight ball and cried.

* * *

 You let him fuck you. Of course you did, you slut. Good job, Po.

Oh, you took 20 showers to get rid of the feeling of his hands on your body?

You forced yourself to vomit to get rid of the alcohol?

You cut yourself on your wrists?

Calm down, Po.

Stop crying, Po.

You’ll be alright, Po.

* * *

 so po leaves their room at 2 in the morning to shower for the 34th time and they walk up to the roof of their building and stare at the moonlight shining down on them.

“you okay?” a serene voice asks them, and they turn to look at lala.

lala stands tall, her green piercing eyes staring into their soul.

“just fine.” po whispers. the two of them stare at the ground. lala wraps an arm around po’s neck.

“you’re warm today,” she mumbles in their ear. “trust me, that’s a good thing.”

po’s cheeks light up like a raging fire, and they look down at the ground, 30 feet below.

“standing up here makes me want to kill myself,” lala mutters under her breath, shaking her head. “you wanna hang out in my room, or yours?”

“might as well go back to my room.”

the two leave the roof hand in hand, po’s cheeks alight and lala’s hand twitching.

they enter the room as a pair, and lala lays on their bed, staring at the star adorned ceiling.

po lays down next to the girl and sighs, glancing at her scarred, veiny antecubital.

“have you stopped doing tubby custard?”

“have you stopped drinking vodka every day?”

the two laugh, as if they were at a comedy show.

* * *

So, you put on a strap on dildo and fucked her into your beanbag.

Jesus christ, Po.

Can you do anything right?

You took a shower with her?

You showed her and let her wrap up your cuts?

You shoved your tongue down her throat and up her vagina?

God damn it, Po.

Get your shit together, Po.

You’re supposed to suffer, Po.

* * *

 and as po wakes up to the sight of a snoring lala, they smile.

“good morning, sunshine.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter and im free from this prison that i call this fanfiction. for reference btw an antecubital is the spot on the inside of your elbow.


	4. kill me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tinky winky lowkey is suffering but idk hes just a piece of shit  
> tw: ed thoughts and actions, suicide, abuse, domestic violence, gang violence, jesus christ just be careful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at first this shit was a joke but as time went on I got more and more invested into it and now i dont know what im doing, this is what ive become im a walking talking tellietubbies fanfiction

4/12

If I can be honest, I don't like smoking.

Smoking makes my lungs screwed up, and when I'm fucking Dipsy into his couch, my lungs nearly collapse. It sucks.

The only thing I can tolerate about smoking is the hunger suppression. I weighed myself this morning, and I'm 110 pounds... At 5'11, I should be nearly dead, but I guess not. I wish I were dead.

The only reason I'm complying with you, Tyler, is because I'm sick of not being able to eat. Either way, you can go fuck yourself.

I hate you and I hate therapy. Go suck on a big, black cock, you fucking asshole.

I'm a hypocrite, though. Ha-ha.

Fuck you.

-Tinky Winky

* * *

 

My stomach grumbles with the satisfaction of starvation. I glance at the clock, 4:02 am. 2 hours until Dipsy arrives. I can get in some exercise, look nice and thin, before he comes.

I pick up my cigarette pack and my lighter, a Twenty One Pilots themed lighter, and leave my room to go to the roof. 

Walking fast, I reach the roof with no problem. I sit on the edge of the building and stare at the lights below. They're beautiful.

Lighting up a cigarette, I inhale the toxins and blow out the smoke. It swirls in the air of the night.

I sigh. I could jump from the top of this building, get death over with, but I'm not crazy like Po. I'm not suicidal. I don't have an "eating disorder". I'm fine.

Exhaustion takes me over, and I lean back to lay on the edge of the building. I fall asleep.

"Tinky," A soft voice wakes me. "Yo, babe, wake up."

"Ugh," I groan, sitting up and swinging my legs to the solid part of the building. "What time is it?"

"7:10," Dipsy smiles. "How long have you been up here, silly?"

I stand and push him to the ground. "Don't belittle me, you stupid slut. I've been up here for the past 3 hours."

He frowns and rubs his left arm, littered with cigarette burns. I internally smirk.

"Oh," he sighs. "Uh, Baby Sun has been looking for you, and he's been threatening to do some really scary shit to me if you don't go to him, like, immediately."

I nod, and look at him from head to toe. He's gained some weight. Fucking disgusting.

"Have you gained weight?" He nods.

"Uh, about 13 pounds. I'm not underweight anymore-"

"You disgust me." I sneer. "Didn't I tell you I like skinny boys?"

His eyes widen, and he nods. I know he won't listen to me.

"Whatever." I kick him in his left ribs. "Don't go and cheat on me, okay?"

He doesn't reply. I bunch up his shirt and lift him up towards me.

"Okay?" I scream, spit flying in his face. He looks terrified as he frantically nods, his eyes filling with tears. I smile.

"Good." I put him down. "See you later, Dip."

I leave the roof, walking down the stairs  ~~to get more cardio~~ because the elevator is broken.

I know where Baby Sun is. He should be in the dining hall,  ~~eating food and getting disgustingly fatter than he already is~~ getting some breakfast.

I walk into the dining hall, looking around for a few seconds before spotting Baby Sun.

Baby Sun got his name in middle school when he dressed up as a baby for Halloween. He was always a happy guy, so the baby costume quickly earned him the nickname.

I walk up to his table. He's eating a danish with cream cheese on it.  ~~Fucking disgusting.~~

"Yo," I say, sitting down across from him.

He nods, chews and swallows his danish.

"Hey, okay, I'm glad you came." He grins. "So you know Noo-Noo, right? The fucker that jacked up the tubby custard supply?"

I nod. "Well, the bitch decided to get together with some of his cronies and now he's planning on fucking fighting us."

"Guns or fists?"

"Don't be a dumbass. They're bringing hardballers, revolvers, fucking firearms... Dude, this fight is happening tomorrow. I have a fucking hunting knife. Do you think you'll be able to convince him to back down? I can do jack shit. Sure, I look powerful, but you're the one with authority."

I could try to convince Noo-Noo to back down, but that's dangerous. He's armed, and he's probably with the rest of his dogs. Maybe I can try to isolate him? But who knows.

"Sure, I can try. However, can you and maybe Willy come with me, to make sure I don't, like, die?"

He nods. "Of course, man."

Baby Sun stands up and stretches. 

"A'ight, what time do you want to meet up?"

"6:00, under the big tree. Bring your boyfriend, he's a real looker."

I smirk. Dipsy is pretty attractive, but he could be better.

"Alright," He loudly sighs. "See you later, okay?"

Nodding, I watch him as he walks away with his plate. He drops the empty plate on the stack of empty, dirty plates, and leaves the dining hall.

I sigh, and follow him out. I walk upstairs to my room.

My room door is open, kind of concerning, but I pay no mind to it. I enter my room, and on my bed, Dipsy lies, crying his eyes out and clutching his stomach.

"Whoa, are you alright?" I ask, walking towards him. He sneers and sits up, staring at me with malice in his eyes.

"Oh, so now you care about me?" He scoffs, wiping his tears with his sleeve. "I've been dealing with your shit for the past 3 years, and this is the first time you've asked me if I'm alright. Fucking pathetic.."

"What are you-" I mutter, but he cuts me off by standing up and pushing me.

"The amount of times you've fucked me without my consent is astonishing. You hit me, you beat me, you put out your cigarettes on me, you tell me I'm fat, even though I was severely underweight for about a year because of you..." Dipsy shakes his head. 

"What are you talking about? I've never done these things-" I start to walk towards him, arms out wide.

Dipsy slaps me. A sting builds up on my left cheek. 

"You need to stop, Tinky. I'm sick of your shit." His eyes tear up again. "I'm done with you."

"Wait, you're breaking up with me?" I screech, backing away into the wall. "You're not breaking up with me, I'm breaking up with you!"

Dipsy laughs. He laughs from his stomach, doubling over.

"You're fucking hilarious, Tinky." he smiles, standing straight. "Goodbye."

He leaves my room. I stare at the ground, a low rumble starting in my stomach. I feel numb.

Glancing at the clock, I sit down on the side of my bed. 12:25, it reads. 5 hours and 30 minutes before I have to meet up with Willy and Baby Sun.

I wait by lying on my bed and reading a book - War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. It's good. I reach page 300 before I glance up at the time again, 5:49.

I get up and put down the book, leaving my room to go to the big tree in the middle of the campus.

I reach there by 6:00 exactly. Baby Sun and Willy are standing there with Noo-Noo and 2 of his cronies. I smirk as I walk up to them.

"So," I say, grinning. "This is it. The big day. The day we figure out our shit."

I take out a switchblade.

Noo-Noo steps back and puts his hands up. "Woah, woah, chill. We're not here to fight, we're here to talk. Where's, ah, that one boy, Dipsy?"

I rub the back of my neck. "We broke up."

Noo-Noo smirks. "No wonder. You're such a pile of shit, I'd expect him to break up with you sooner."

I start to lunge towards him, but Baby Sun holds me back. "Dude, chill. We didn't come here for a fight."

He looks at Noo-Noo and the rest of his group.

"Noo-Noo, why did you fuck with the TC supply?" He asks.

"You guys weren't supplying my dealers with enough custard, even after I paid you 400 ToastBucks. That's ridiculous. You know custard has been intensely inflated in the past couple of months, but at least give us a little extra, y'know?"

"Just because we know you doesn't mean we're going to make any exceptions," Willy sighs. "Especially to a bunch of thieves."

Noo-Noo furrows his eyebrows. "Oh, so just because I'm black, I'm a thief?"

"No, you're a thief because you stole some tubby custard!" I exclaim.

Noo-Noo opens his switchblade. "Who do you think you are?"

"I'm Tinky Winky, bitch, and you can't tell me what to do!"

Noo-Noo chuckles. "Oh man, you're one bold cookie."

He picks me up by the hem of my shirt and pushes me against the tree. My eyes widen.

"I'm not gonna lie," I mutter. "This is kinda hot."

He punches me in the face. My ears ring, my vision swims, and I try to keep my eyes focused on him.

"You're a real piece of shit, y'know." He punches me again. I just barely manage to keep my eyes on him.

"A piece of shit, skinny ass bitch," he punches me in the stomach. "Who doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut."

He drops me and kicks me in the stomach. I double over, nearly vomiting up the water I had 3 hours ago.

"C'mon guys," He turns around and motions to leave. "Let's go."

They walk off towards the gymnasium. I get on my hands and knees and cough up water and bile, my stomach turning.

"Dude, are you okay?" Baby Sun and Willie help me up. I nod.

"Y-yeah, just a bit tired, that's all." We walk back towards the dorms.

Once we get to the front doors, I turn to them.

"Y'all are awesome, you know that, right?" I smile. "When I die, just remember that y'all are great, and I love you. I don't say that, like, ever, but I do."

"Tinky.." Baby Sun starts, but I put a hand up to stop him.

"I know, these are dying words. I'm fine. I'll be fine."

I leave them to go to my dorm. I walk upstairs, past my floor, to the roof of the building.

I stand at the edge again, just like this morning, without the cigarettes. I stare at the sun setting in the distance, my skin filled with goosebumps of the mid-April air.

The pavement looks nice, I think to myself as I inch closer to the edge. I could just fall. This building is 8 stories, so it's guaranteed that I'll die.

A crowd starts around the front of the building, presumably watching if I'm going to kill myself or not. Let them watch, the piles of shit.

I sit down and sigh, staring at the buildings of the campus. My parents spent all of this money just for me to kill myself at school. Fuck my parents, they can go and die.

I think of my friends, Lala, Po, and Dipsy, and how they're doing right now. They're probably frolicking in their own cheer, doing drugs and getting drunk on happiness. I bet Po is out drinking somewhere, selling her body for money and cutting herself. I scoff.

I look down again.

The crowd has gotten bigger, with people holding signs saying "Don't die!" and "Your life has meaning!". I chuckle and stand up again, getting closer to the edge.

Goodbye, Redhill University, hello freedom.

I jump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and thats the end of this travesty

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes im like "why tf did this person search up "teletubby fanfiction"" but the same thing can be asked for me, why the fuck did i write this


End file.
